Marriage Is A Monastery

Marriage is a Sacrament, or Mystery, within the Holy Orthodox Church. The Eastern Orthodox Church’s ceremony of this Mystery is profound, packed full of symbolism, and incredibly beautiful. I will be going through the Orthodox wedding ceremony, the meaning, and delving into marriage itself and it’s ultimate Mystery as well as some misconceptions. May God grant me the right words in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

The Mystery

St. Paul in Ephesians 5:32 regarding marriage states, “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church.” St. Nikolai Velimirovich says only the love of God between Him and humanity is greater than the love between man and woman. The more we grow in love together, the more we will understand this great mystery.

Marriage is companionship on the path to heaven. Marriage is a covenant, it is not simply an “until death do us part” notion, it’s forever. It is also not 50/50, it is 100/100. In marriage the sacrificial love of Christ can be experienced as husband and wife both die to themselves, becoming selfless for the other. The man is indeed head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church (Ephesians 5:23). The husband is therefore the first servant, the first martyr, like Christ. And it does not mean the woman is less than in any way, she is called to the same servitude and dying to self.

Why is it a mystery? Because in marriage there is a special form of communion with God not found anywhere else. It is a little kingdom, and a little Trinity. As St. John Chrysostom illuminates, “when husband and wife are united in marriage, they are no longer seen as something earthly, but as the image of God Himself'. Ultimately we don’t know how, but the mystery of marriage is that it allows us to become like God in a deeper sense. The more connected we are to each other, the more we are to God.

Marriage was instituted by God, when He says to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). Christ reaffirms this blessing of marriage by His first miracle at the wedding feast of Cana transforming water into wine. Our Lord Jesus Christ is revealing to us that through marriage we too can be transformed together by Him.

Marriage Misconceptions

One misconception is that sexuality is something lower, unclean, and simply a human concession to weakness. While it is true that celibacy is preferred in the writings of St. Paul, as I understand it, it is a first among equals. In marriage, sexuality itself becomes spiritualized into something good, mutual love of God deifying such an act. This is not to say that sex within marriage cannot become a passion, or selfish, etc. but that when used correctly, it’s a beautiful thing. I recommend reading Phillip Sherrard for more information on this aspect.

Another misconception which is heavily influenced from Roman Catholicism is that sex is for the sole purpose of procreation, even leading to the notion that having sex in marriage without trying to conceive is sinful. I’ve seen this mindset attempt to seep into Orthodoxy too. Procreation is “a” purpose certainly but not “the” sole purpose, and one could argue unification is the primary purpose of sex.

This is the difference between East and West, as Catholic Answers columnist Karlo Broussard asserts in his article procreation is the primary reason for sexual activity, unification secondary. The East has unification as first among equals with procreation. Read Humanae Vitae 11 to see that this notion of sex must always be for procreation came from Roman Catholicism. I’ll save this debate, along with divorce and contraception for another article. I know some Roman Catholics will dispute this, whether agreed upon or not, the promulgation of the notion remains from the Roman church.

The point being; unification is the primary purpose of sex. It is the physical manifestation of the spiritual reality in submitting yourselves and giving your life to one another. This unique oneness mirrors Christ and the Church. It is only by unification that procreation happens, it’s not that procreation happens then unification, that’s an inversion of the natural order.

The Orthodox Wedding Ceremony

In the Orthodox ceremony; it is usually within two parts, the betrothal and the crowning. The betrothal begins taking place in the back of the Church or in the Narthex, where the couple exchanges wedding rings three times as symbolic of the Holy Trinity. The rings symbolize their commitment of free will to one another, while prayers are sung over the couple proclaiming the indissoluble bond of marriage. “I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me. In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.” - Hosea 2:19-20

The crowning is the pinnacle of the Orthodox wedding ceremony, the couple wears literal crowns which serve as their martyrdom to themselves in marriage; in becoming selfless for the other. The crowns are also a symbol of victory in Christ, of doubling of joys and halving of sorrows. The crowns are the sharing in both the martyrdom and victory of Jesus.

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” - Galatians 2:20

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”- 1 Corinthians 15:57

The couple then shares in a common cup of wine, symbolizing the sharing of all of life’s ups and downs together. The sharing of both trials and blessings. “Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot.” - Psalm 16:5

The priest then leads the newlyweds around the table in the Dance of Isaiah which the table has the Bible and the Cross upon it. This symbolizes that their life should orbit around Christ, His Word, and the Church. “For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps.” - 1 Peter 2:21

The couples hands are joined together showing their solidarity together in this union, and for now and the age to come to remain united. The ceremony ends with the priest taking the Gospel and separating their hands with it. This symbolizes that no man or thing should ever come between the couple except God Himself. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate.” - Mark 10:9.

Marriage Is A Monastery

Marriage is the bedrock and foundation of society itself, and that’s not just a nice decorative sentiment to describe marriage; no; it literally is. Without union, we fall as divided. Without marriage, life ceases literally. Alone it is easy to never self-sacrifice, in marriage both parties must lower themselves in humility or it won’t survive.

Marriage is a monastery (each other). Monasticism is a marriage (to God).

St. John Chrysostom notates this when he says the only difference between a married person and a monastic is that the married person is married. The monastic is also married, vowed to God in celibacy, all are married to Christ. These options are not dialectically opposed to one another, but different avenues to the same thing. Both the monk and the married couple are called to pray, service others, repent, fast, etc. Both are vowed. Certainly it doesn’t mean everything is exactly the same between the two, there are differences and different aspects with the same goal.

Both are described as “arenas” by St. John Chrysostom, where we contend for salvation and union with God. St. Paul was celibate, St. Peter was married, both are depicted in iconography as holding up the  Church together. Both as apostles, were equals. Both monastics and married can faithfully follow the Lord.

Marriage is an important theme to salvation in the Holy Scriptures, our worldly marriages are a reflection of the true marriage planned from the beginning to Christ. Marriage and monasticism are both different types of marriages, we see the carryover in the monastic garb that is designed like a type of wedding veil for both female and male monastics.

Marriage requires prayer and work daily just as the monastic life does. Marriage vows fidelity as does monasticism. Marriage calls us to asceticism, to lower ourselves and renounce self-will to be selfless. Monks do not choose their obedience, the monk is called to handle whatever is put before him; so the same is in marriage; we are called to handle the situations before us. The monk yields and cares for his brother, the married yields and cares for his/her wife/husband. Marriage is a path to communion with God just as monasticism is. Marriage is a monastery on the path to perfect love in Christ.

It is true that celibacy is spoken of as preferable, for multiple reasons such as a few being: the celibacy of Jesus Christ, of the Ever-Virginity of Mary, of St. Paul’s witness in Corinthians and St. John the Baptist as celibates. Some of the church fathers indicating sex did not exist before the Fall would give credence to it’s status as first too. However, this does not make marriage “less than.” Marriage is blessed by God as the couple sacrifices themselves for each other and God; monasticism offers up even the sexual life to God as a sacrifice. It’s a further commitment to emulating Jesus Christ who was celibate. That’s the main difference that I see.

Simply as best as I can put it… Marriage; blessed and fulfills the requirements (aiding in salvation). Monasticism; blessed and goes above the requirements (aiding in salvation). This goes into a bunch of other avenues which are outside the scope of this article. St. Amphilochios says it best: "Saying these things, we are not introducing a fight between virginity and marriage; we admire both as mutually indebted. For without devout knowledge of divine things neither is virginity modest nor marriage worthy.”

The point being, I believe marriage is a monastery. And this may be part of the mystery that St. Paul calls marriage, ultimately I don’t know, may God illumine me to understand it more perfectly. And I believe that understanding starts when living it. I’ll end with a quote from my patron saint, St. Theophan the Recluse when he talks about marriage as a fire, he says: “if we do not throw logs on the fire it will go out; if love between husband and wife is not stoked with deeds of love, it will eventually die out. And what are these deeds of love? They are the deeds of basic care one for the other, obvious and unobvious signs of attention. They are the ability during arguments to overcome outbreaks of anger and to be the first to come and make peace. They are the ability to take your egotistical inclinations in hand, to correct your actions, always thinking to yourself “I am not the only one.”